Gym'll Fix it!

Ok. I admit it. I am one of those annoying people that actually enjoys going to the Gym! Sort of!

After a veritable decade of gaseous alcohol based, chemically altered lagers and sloppy foreign imitation food stuffs of the 'take away' variety... I have a theory about the phrase 'Take Away', I think that it refers to the fact that any potential nutritional value has been 'Taken away' from said food stuff's before being fried in ten week old pig fat!!!... I recently felt the need to de-tox my tired floppy, flacid pre-cadaver.

Approaching a certain age - which is only really relevant if I actually accept the premise that 'Time' exists as a pro thermo dynamic principle and not as I sometimes like to consider; that it (time) is a huge trifle and I (me) am merely one of the many 'Hundreds & Thousands', (thats 'Sprinkles' to our trans Atlantic cousins!), tossed nonchalently across its gelatinous surface - As I said, approaching a certain age sometimes has a profound effect upon you. Youth allows you to revel in a world of awe and wonderment and each passing day is a moment closer to Nirvana - that's the philisophical concept of complete peace of mind not the American grunge band! As the skin of youth is shed from your increasingly voluminous catalogue of 'self', you begin to view life through slightly more sensible glasses... the 'rose tint' wears thin very quickly!

It has long been pondered that 'time' slows down depending on your ultimate velocity... I would like to proffer a theory that 'time' speeds up depending on your ultimate maturity! If we think of 'time' as a force similar to gravity then we can compare our ultimate demise as a physical point similar to 'Terra Firma' - that's the 'Earth' not the London based Private Equity Firm! Therefore, just as a body falling from the sky toward Earth would gain superhuman speed during its descent; Ergo, the physicality of being and experience of life is given a 'turbo' boost' as it catapults the agent (that's you and I) further toward the point of transition... or 'death' if you prefer!

That was a very long winded way of saying that I am indeed feeling 'my age'!

And so, back to my jaunty trips to the world of sweat, testosterone, latissimus dorsi, deltoids and rotary cuff muscles! The Gym... or 'Palace of Pain' as I like to refer... is a place of constant amazement. I will attempt to give you an insight into this public world of self flagellation at a later date, today I wish to regale you with a diminutive tale from the locker room.

The men's locker room is a place of immense discomfiture, awkwardness and potential humiliation. A fact so dramatically illustrated by the perfunctory movements of all but the bravest of men whilst attempting to:

(tick box as appropriate)

[] Get undressed without drawing attention to their stature, wobbly bits or increasingly miniscule manhood.

[] Get dressed without drawing attention to their stature, wobbly bits or increasingly miniscule manhood.

[] Get undressed/dressed without inadvertently looking at or touching their neighbours wobbly bits or increasingly miniscule manhood.

[] Get to your locker without slipping on errant pieces of soap, gel, NRG drink spillage, NRG bar wrappers, glossy pages from 'Men's Health' sports edition or most worryingly bodily fluids!!!

[] Get out of the locker room without drawing attention to the fact that one of your neighbours has viewed your stature, inadvertently touched your wobbly bits and most worryingly they now have an increasingly swollen manhood. "EXIT!!"

And so to my dilemma. Upon entering the 'Locker Room' you must first wave a piece of contemporary rubberised technology in front of a small digital screen to identify the location of your randomly selected locker. A simple enough process you might think, not so!! Allow me to offer you an insight into the life of I! The life of I has been characterised by ridiculous misfortune, unbelievable episodes of inconvenience and improbable bouts of fate! And today was to be just like every other!!

This morning's 'locker room' was surprisingly empty, in fact, apart from a naked Adonis buffing himself vigariously with finest Egyptian Cotton, I was the only pre workout devotee in the area. Great... My pick of lockers and plenty of space to get changed. The rubberised technological strap thingy was waved dutifully in front of the digitised screen and I waited in comfortable anticipation for my alotted space. The number soon flicked onto screen... number 110. Great... again... and so my eyes wandered across the plethora of lockers available. 98... ok... 102... getting there... 106... not far now... 110. Great!!! Right behind naked Adonis guy!!!! How does this happen???? I now have to slowly walk toward 'Buffy' and place my head and rubberised technological strap thingy in the general vicinity of his neatly coiffed derriere!!

You see what I mean... intolerable cruelty! 'Palace of Pain' indeed!!